...and I'm much more distraught about it than she is.
When I woke up this morning, it wasn't something I planned to do.
What with loads of laundry and dishes piling up, my desperate attempt to go through our entire house and garage to prepare for a yard sale this weekend, and little ones running circles around me, I didn't really have time in my busy schedule for this to happen.
Because, you know, my daily to-do list doesn't usually look like this:
1. Breakfast
2. Dishes
3. Laundry
4. Lunch
5. Stick my finger up a chicken's butt while trying not to vomit
But then, being a mom and an urban farmer often results in doing things that you'd really rather not.
The unrelishing conundrum began when I realized that Esther, our Araucana, hadn't laid an egg in three days. When I checked the nesting box this morning, it became four days in a row with no blue eggs. You see, she has been laying almost every day for months, so this was a little unusual. I searched the yard looking for a secret place where, perhaps, she had been hiding them. After all, one of our Buffs prefers to lay beneath my white rose bush on occasion.
When I didn't discover a secret stash, I did what any urban farm girl would do: I hit the computer. Internet searches turned up lots of advice on this apparently common poultry problem. I read about chickens becoming egg-bound which can, if untreated, be fatal. I began observing Esther's behavior with overzealous scrutiny. She wasn't really demonstrating any of the symptoms, which include straining to lay an egg, standing or sitting with her bum pointed down toward the ground, or panting.
That is to say, she wasn't panting until I chased her around the yard at full speed, like a complete idiot, for more than 30 minutes. Let's just call that my cardio for the day. She finally tired; I won! Good to know that at 30-something I'm apparently in better shape than my 1-year-old hen. So I had caught her, and I was holding her beneath my arm like a rugby ball. Now what?
Most web posts I reviewed recommended putting your afflicted hen in a warm bath to relax the muscles around the vent (rear), and then lubricating her "nether-regions" with olive oil to help dislodge any egg that might be stuck... up there. Avian veterinary sites also recommended using your finger to feel around for any eggs. With a rubber glove on, of course. But still. Yuuuuuck.
If Esther the Easter Egger was not such a beloved pet to my son, I may have just waited another day or so to see what developed. However, I read online that this could quickly lead to the untimely death of the bird, which is the last thing I want to have on my conscience. I could live with having felt up the hen; allowing her to possibly become ill and die without at least a thorough examination I couldn't fathom.
So I did what any dedicated urban farm girl would do: I followed the internet directions.
Warm bath. Latex glove. Olive oil. I'm going to stop right there to keep you (and me) from reliving the moment. For I think that, often, city-dwellers like myself romanticize down-on-the farm rural living. Let me assure you there was nothing romantic about this all-too-intimate encounter.
Long story short, Esther seemed to enjoy her warm bath. She also didn't seem to mind being, um, examined at length. I wasn't able to feel any egg that was stuck (whole or otherwise). If she was having trouble laying, sites claimed, often a warm bath and the olive oil lube job would do the trick. I released her into the backyard, where she went about her chicken business as usual, preening and resting, no worse for wear.
I can't say the same for myself.
Let's just say that, when the ordeal was over, I used at least a half a can of Comet in the bathroom tub. And the floor. And maybe my arms and hands. And under my fingernails. And I threw the scrub brushes away.
I'm hopeful our hen will be fine, but I don't think I'll ever be the same.
Let's just call this my true initiation into the life of a farm girl. I declare, I have at last earned my self-selected nom de plume!